How as an Adoptive parent do you differentiate yourself from Opportunists?

Is that even possible in this day and age with all corruption/fraud committed in the business?How as an Adoptive parent do you differentiate yourself from Opportunists?
Yes and no.





I'm different from opportunists in that I didn't solicit a pregnant woman for her child. I didn't buy a womb-fresh infant from an agency and I didn't adopt internationally believing that if I did, the natural parents would never find me and I'd be ';safe.';





I'm the same as some adoption opportunists in that I wanted a child, so I adopted. I couldn't get pregnant and that was the only way I could become a mother. Settling for a childless life wasn't an option for me. I am glad that I adopted from foster care because a child who really needed a home and a loving family now has one. But did I adopt from foster care for purely altruistic reasons? No. How as an Adoptive parent do you differentiate yourself from Opportunists?
Firstly i don't need to clarify myself to a faceless person secure in being nasty behind the net.....who is not even part of triad or even a PAP.





Most of your questions are meant to insult Adoptive families and i wonder what your real avatar is.





To answer your question so that its not reported as ';not an answer';- I don't need to differentiate myself from an opportunist. I was not lurking behind a bush and waiting to grab a womb fresh baby from a woman in trouble. I am as much an opportunist as a natural family who decided to place their child in an orphanage or another parent when they could get the opportunity because they did not want to parent.
I tend to believe many adoptive parents are just not knowledgeable about the dirty side of adoption. Some do their best to learn from and listen to adoptees and mothers. They also work for reform.





Others go on the defense and close adoptions for no reason (see the question about the adoptive parents severing a sibling relationship out of the blue, or the question about closed international adoption). They are the ones I would consider opportunists.
Well, I differentiate myself because I know that adoption is not my only method for getting a child. I could go to a bar and get some random stranger to knock me up. I could go to a sperm bank. I don't WANT to do either of those things because I'd rather be a mother to a child who is already here and needs one.





Of course, my intentions are to adopt from foster care and/or have an open adoption if that comes my way through another route. I have no intention of stealing anyone's child. I don't think most adoptive parents want to steal anyone's child. The truth is, however, that many women do give birth to unwanted children - or can't handle motherhood once it comes. Those children NEED homes. I can provide a home. This sounds less like opportunism and more matching needs and resources.
Obviously all adoptions stem from a situation of loss-- the loss of the biological family, for whatever reason it happens. What separates opportunism from an attempt to find a measure of redemption in a tragic situation is whether that loss was necessary or created to fill someone's desire, whether ethical principles are followed as far as humanly possible, and whether the child is given freedom to grieve and to express emotion.





Unfortunately there are always going to be children who are abused, neglected, abandoned, unwanted, or orphaned. By all means, we should work to reduce the number of children suffering that kind of loss... but we can't just wave a magic wand and make it disappear. Those children will need safe and loving homes.





At some level, all adoptive parents just want to be parents, or they'd do something besides adopt. So that's not to say it's selfless, either. But when there is no alternative to a child being separated from their biological family, the child truly needs a home, and the prospective adoptive parents want to fill the parenting role, it doesn't have to be a matter of taking advantage. It's a matter of needs and desires converging.
I don't see them as opportunists.





I've spoken to some of them through e-mail and tried to get a feel for which perspective they come from.





So many of them actually DO try and understand what some of the more outspoken adoptees go through. Many of them are trying to keep the links of origin alive - knowing that in 20 years on down the road, their adult child may want to go back.





And not every adoption is corrupted.





People in Chinese adoptions (NOT Taiwan) don't really have much choice. What do you do when the gov't insists on exporting thousands of female infants overseas because domestic adoption is not encouraged, and it is traditionally boys who are wanted to carry on the family name and bloodline?
Independent...





Do know with yourself who you are as a person and where you stand in the world of lies and corruption? What boundaries your aren't willing to cross to get what you want in life? Some people don't...and there are some who are willing to cross moral boundaries to gain something precious, go out and deliberately hurt someone to so they can gain their wants and desires? (I'm just trying to look at this deeper, there are two sides to a coin, three if you look it side on. I like lateral thinking... :)





I know who i am as a person in IRL. I know my boundaries and I'm strong enough to keep them in check. No doubt there are people who become clouded by grief or the need to fill a void. I'm not one of those.





I have a clear conscious in how my children came into my life. I had nothing to do with the choices made for them because I wasn't there to influence any of it.
I don't feel I need to do anything to differentiate myself from anyone. I know exactly how we adopted, both internationally and domestically, and what the circumstances were for both my wife and I as well as our daughters. We hold our heads high and if anyone dares to imply we should do otherwise thats their issue to deal with.
Offended? Yes. Yet again another question assuming we are baby stealers. Black and white questions in a grey world show ignorance.





So....BM is married and has 4 boys. Has a relationship outside of her marriage and gets pregnant. Is 100% sure that her husband is not the father. Both agree to stay married and don't believe in abortion. Her husband feels comes clean and says while he would try--he knows in his heart that he would take out the affair on this child. Both agree, along with getting the paperwork signed by the birthfather. So you tell me, are the AP's ';TAKING ADVANTAGE'; ? Did they NOT choose to relinquish--which is their choice? Come on now....be honest. WHen we were going through our process--several several of these situations were like this or had some variation. these were decent people (and most BP's are) who are making the decision with the facts, impressions and feeling they have--and it is valid. Is it sad? Absolutely~are there feelings and pain involved that make everyone feel like their heart will stop cold and they feel like their lives will never be the same (for the baby and otherwise) today and in the future? Absolutely.





There were other wildly different situations we ran across as well---I felt like in about 75% of them (because I asked) the BP's thought deep, hard and had explored all of their options. I even asked, if you had a million dollars tomorrow, would you be making this same choice? I do believe some AP's will go through some ';squishy'; means in desperation -- but I hope that is a minority.





All situations are different--but it isn't even about one choice by one party....but a series of choices by a lot of people that equate to a final outcome. Don't you think there are choices to inform yourself of birth control or not, a choice by potential Bgrandparents to be supportive or not, to make sure you CAN get through it as a BP through thick and thin, know what programs are out there if you decide to parent, ...all of the way around to being able to choose the parents of the child you are giving birth to or keeping your baby? What about that whole series of decisons equate to me taking advantage of someone? BP's are empowered at MANY different points to make choices too.
I guess here in black and white I really can't. If you look at it the way you do, which in my belief is that you feel all AP's are thief's and swindlers, then I can not in your mind make myself out to be anything other that!





I do not feel myself to be an opportunist, although I did take the opportunity to adopt my children and raise them like I do my other children, no more no less. I will not go into all the details, but my children were NOT given up by crack ho's and they were NOT given up because they were not wanted or loved. They came with their own circumstances surrounding their special needs and were relinquished by distraught families than were at their wits end dealing with other special need siblings. Yes, I can say that with all honesty as I have talked with the families many times about that and other issues. Oh, almost forgot, I also took the opportunity to keep adoption open so my kids have the best of both worlds...one blended happy extended family!
Well, when you look at it from an incredibly narrow, black and white viewpoint, I guess APs can all look like opportunists.





I wish you'd read Jackie B's post again. It says everything my heart feels. Jakie B- kudos and 1000 thumbs up.





We are NOT all willing to do just any ol dirty thing to trick some poor pregnant girl out of her baby, or to get our hands on a womb-fresh baby (as many here like to describe PAPs)





We are NOT all at fault for our own infertility, as some here would like to believe





We are people who for some reason have chosen to build our family through adoption. We are realizing that no matter WHAT there are children who need homes, yes, even newborns whose mothers have chosen to make an adoption plan.. they need a home, if there mother has made that decision.





We aren't the monsters you and some others insist on believing. We're just people who want to be parents.





But NOT at any cost.
hmmm...


My husband and I chose to adopt. It was not necessary for us to do so. When we chose this we also decided that we would adopt ONLY from foster care and adopt children that were hard to place, hence our two beautiful children: a physically delayed daughter and a son with RADs.


We knew that it would be a hard road. The social workers did not lie to us about the situation of our children. We also knew that there was a chance of violence coming from their biological father.


We could have said no. The only opportunity we were thinking about was that afforded to these children.


The only money that crossed hands was to the police station for our criminal background check (30 dollars each).


We also chose to foster them for the first four months without the gauruntee that they would be eventually adopted by us, during which time I taught my son how to feed his sister, how to make toast, how to open a can a soup, how to call the police, etc, so that if he went back home and mom starved them again he could feed himself and his sister. He was three.


So no, I would not call myself an opportunist.
That's a fine line.





Yes, we desired to be parents, and when nature failed us, we chose adoption.





Yes, we saw that as an opportunity to fulfill our desires to become parents...however, we did not go the route that you're mentioning and pay big bucks for an ';infant, white, blonde haired, blue eyed'; baby.





We adopted a 9 and 10 year old who wanted a permanent home and a mom (and they even got a dad!!! something they've never had!).





So, I think I know what you're saying in terms of someone learning someone is pregnant and wanting to place, offering big bucks to help them live during the pregnancy, and then the child is the ';reward';, and often times, the mother feels guilted, or indebted, to the parents to live up to that part of the bargain...but we refused to go that route.





We wanted children who wanted a home, and needed out of the system.
I did see the opportunity to profit from teh child tax benefit by adopting three high need kids, although it backfired because their high needs mean we lose one income, but really I was very excited about getting that extra $200 in tax credit per month that all parents get.





Pardon my sarcasm, but your question is annoying me, when all PAP's are painted wiht one brush.
I am not an opportunist and fell no need to be clarifying that. I am a mother and that is all I am. I love my children, respect them, their roots and will support them with whatever it is that they need to become fulfilled human beings. I do not apologize for that!
Dear Independ';ant';,





Opportunists, imo, exploiting with little regard to principle or consequences to others.





How i differentiate myself? The only way i can, I care.
';Opportunist: One who takes advantage of opportunities as they arise: as a: exploiting opportunities with little regard to principle or consequences.';





Differentiation in four words: We give a dam*.



I find this question pretty condescending. I don't think anyone has to justify themselves to an anonymous person on a website.
Thanks aloha girl, for a good straight, honest answer.





I was adopted. Had some ups and downs and have turned out okay. I'm in the unique position that I can see it from both sides. Apparently even with the experience of being adopted, that's not good enough and I really am not seeing why here. It's really disturbing to see a lot of adoptees turn out so pessimistic and hang on to a lot of negativity, I'm sorry but I just don't understand resigning myself to a lifetime of anger. It's just not healthy. All the debate about the BSE is really getting tired. Yeah, it happened. Did it happen to me? I don't know. I was born in 1974, after Roe v. Wade (whether legal abortions were widely available to my b mom, I don't know).





I guess it's safe to say, that I could identify myself as one of these children. So that should put me in the same era as a lot of some other adoptees.





Fast forward an entire generation.





Things aren't the same. Birth control is widely available. Government aid is widely available. (I'm speaking of the US). There STILL are kids in the foster system. Women are still relinquishing their babies even with BC and aid available. We are in an age and day where information is more readily available than ever. You can go to a public library and get onto the Internet for FREE. Most women of childbearing age nowadays know this. They have unlimited resources to knowledge just as you and I and everyone on these boards do. There is no excuse for women NOW or in the future to lay claim to ignorance of the choices they have. So, maybe the question shouldn't be so much about APs and PAPs being opportunistic. Maybe it was for women back during the BSE.





Maybe the question should be why are women still having children and relinquishing them when help is so much easier to get? I'm pretty sure that if someone is pregnant and not in the best of circumstances that not ALL people who enter her life will be trying to get her to abort or place her baby for adoption. If she expresses a great desire to keep her baby, do you think that all the ';opportunistic'; people crawl out of the woodwork to convince her otherwise? Do you think that NO ONE tries to help her to keep her baby at ALL? I'm just not cynical enough to believe that a woman today is surrounded by ';opportunists'; who try to get her to place her baby. Not in the US today. No.





A woman today has way too many choices to claim she never had a chance. There are too many fail safes and options.





1. Abstinence. Hardly ideal, but still the first option. (obviously does not apply to victims of rape and/or incest)


2. Birth control. You can buy condoms at 7-11 or the grocery store across the street or Wal-Mart. Birth control is available for those without insurance at public health departments. When I was 16, back in 1990, it was VERY easy for me to get birth control. I imagine it's just as easy. Back in the early 90s my best friend got Norplant that stayed in for 5 years.


3. Emergency contraceptives. I've had to resort to these twice, after condom failure, both times through Planned Parenthood. The first time, I was part of a study group for Plan B and actually got PAID to participate in the trial. The second time cost me $50. After that I got PAID to participate in another study, this time for Seasonale.


4. Abortion -- Not a choice for everyone, but still a choice for some. I had a friend go to Planned Parenthood and services were based on a sliding scale basis. I'm sure other clinics offer similar services.


5 Medicaid and WIC is available for pregnant women who cannot afford proper prenatal care and nutrition. These services can continue after the child is born.


6.Local assistance, churches, advocate groups. If someone can apply for Medicaid and WIC, they'll also be directed to many local programs or groups that can offer aid that Medicaid or WIC may not cover.








So with all these options, we need to ask the PREGNANT WOMEN who decide to place their child for adoption why they STILL do so.





And that is all without even touching the foster system.





So if despite all the measures that can be taken to prevent pregnancy, terminate pregnancy, continue pregnancy, and assistance for after pregnancy, if a woman ultimately decides she is definitely not going to keep the baby, then it's the women who actually have the means and the desire to parent who are the villains?





I'm NOT calling these mothers villains at all. I just wonder why the double standard exists.





I know there are still some women whose own individual lives dictate what they feel is the necessity to relinquish their babies. That's what's really sad. For the most part being pregnant and unwed doesn't make a woman the social pariah she would have been been just a generation ago. Women are doing it all the time. (Again talking about the US)





I'm assuming your question is about women who are adopting newborns, that's why I'm not addressing older children, since there doesn't seem to be the same level of disgust for women who adopt older children from foster care as those who adopt babies from birth.





Now can ANYONE tell me with all that is available right now with more knowledge available than ever why there STILL are babies being relinquished tell me how that is somehow the PAPs and APs fault? A pregnant woman these days comes in contact with these ';opportunists'; probably as much as she does many people who are just as passionate about keeping your baby as some on this board are.





I'm sure there are those who truly just don't/can't/won't parent, whether the reason is valid (absolutely no means despite all aid and no support system at all, or mental or physical disabilities) or just a choice, oops she got pregnant, doesn't want abortion or is too late for abortion and it's just inconvenient to her and her lifestyle right now or maybe it's an informed decision she has made with what she feels is her baby's best interest in mind.





Just as it's coercive to try to get a mother to relinquish, I think it's equally as coercive to guilt a mother to keep her child when she really doesn't want him/her. Just ask the children in the system who were abused and told they weren't wanted and feel just as ruined by having mothers feeling resentful over society's pressure to keep their children as those who were relinquished by those mothers who knew they couldn't parent. Ask the kid which mother he'd rather have. The one who didn't want him/her and was abused by her or the one who decided it was best for her child to adopt out?





Most women DO want to keep their babies but I'm sure you'll find more than enough kids in foster care who can tell you their mothers were not one of them. Their situations might not be the majority of the cases but they do exist. ACKNOWLEDGE that and STOP placing the blame on PAPs and APs.





This is just my take on what's going on NOW since it's adoptions of newborns that is vilified most.
Capitalism and survival of fittest. There will always be a winner and a loser. It is not personal its just life.